the new year

I have never had a January 1st that I’ve allowed to come and go without an odd, heavy feeling being present. I have cheered at midnight, I have kissed at midnight, I have cried at midnight. The following day, no matter the way the day, and the year, start, I have the same feeling. I wish I felt hope or excitement or any type of happy feeling that gives excitement butterflies. Instead, I feel disappointed from the start. Maybe this is because, as I write my many new resolutions, I realize that I have failed my resolutions from the year prior. Maybe I realize that everything I promise to resolve this year was definitely on last year’s failed list. Maybe I do not even allow myself a fair start because I actually don’t believe in myself. Maybe it is the seasonal depression. Maybe I am just scared of not having full control of my future, and I am scared of the unknown. 

As I prepared myself to re-punk the muse this month, I, of course, looked to the original muse for advice. I searched through all of my notes of all the original articles and advice. There was one article I found that mentioned the new year, but I didn’t find what I was looking for. 

I assume I was looking for something to relate to, a comparison of struggle during the new year. I don’t even think I was actually looking for advice. I was looking out of an assumption that everyone has to feel this weight like I do. 

I am not suggesting this feeling is not synonymous with others, but that I should not require others to feel like crap when I feel like crap. 

So, I am going to take the reins on punking the muse this month. 

I still wrote my resolutions, even if the possibility of leaving disappointed is apparent. This may be something I will find fault with further down the line of this year, but it feels wrong to leave that page empty in my journal. I made only 5 resolutions that are simple, vague, and feel achievable in multiple ways. This gives me hope. That is what I need right now: hope. 

I will use the heavy feeling to my advantage. I have always been able to spill more onto the page when I am feeling the most complex feelings. Today I sit down at the page, ready to accept the feelings of disappointment, heaviness, and the smallest glimmer of hope. 

Most importantly yet not a resolution stoned into the list in my journal, this year, and as a continual promise to myself, is to continue writing and continue to be creative in the best way that finds me. 

So, cheers to you and this new year! May it find you in the best, most hopeful way, without it weighing on you, or us as a whole, too much.